The Tarp Report

Valentine dance

2012-02-14T23:34:00.003-05:00

How much fun is this? From my niece Mary.

valentines day from Mary Tarpley on Vimeo.

(Note to self to learn that little rope dance move.)

Happy 14th!

2012-02-12T23:10:00.003-05:00

Look how tall he is.

And with his "Hill Valley High" t-shirt. It makes me smile just to look at him.

His birthday party today had a "Portal 2" theme, complete with Cave Johnson audio greeting and repulsion gel for beverages (Orangina laced with red food coloring). If you have to ask, you're not cool enough to have been invited.

There was a little Twister..

...a little multi-player gaming...

...and a little more multi-player gaming...

...followed by pizza and Portal cake.

He is a good guy. He is a very good guy. I knew my life was blessed the day he was born.

A Wrinkle in Time

2012-02-12T00:30:00.003-05:00

Samuel and I went to an event today celebrating the 50th anniversary of the book, "A Wrinkle in Time." There was a Q&A with several notable children's authors including Lois Lowry ("The Giver"), Katherine Paterson ("Bridge to Terabithia"), Rebecca Stead ("When You Reach Me"), and R. L. Stine ("Goosebumps").

Cool to see four great authors in the same place at the same time, and even cooler to be there with Samuel, who seemed to enjoy the event despite the lack of pyrotechnics or DeLoreans.

I was thinking, maybe he won't be a scientist or an engineer after all. Maybe he'll be a sci-fi writer. Whatever. It's just nice to sit next to him and see him happy.

"What if someone burped into a trumpet?"

2012-02-08T17:57:00.000-05:00

Carriage houses!

2012-02-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

You know what's great about living in NYC? You can be walking along minding your own business and suddenly look down a block you've never looked down before and see an entire row of restored, turn-of-the-century carriage houses.

I felt like I'd accidentally wandered onto the Universal Studios backlot.

I started taking pictures with my cell phone, fearing that if I came back tomorrow I'd find only Starbucks and Duane Reades.

Then I thought, you know what would look really cool in the vacant lot at the end of our block?

Add it to my post-lottery to-do list.

"I have an idea for a TV show"

2012-02-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

Ethan: It's called "Will That Shoot Out of a Cannon?"

Todd: Sounds good so far.

Ethan: Every episode they put three different things into a cannon and shoot them out and see what happens.

Todd: I love that idea. I think I would watch that show.

Ethan: Me too. Dad?

Todd: Uh-huh?

Ethan: Do you think it would be illegal to shoot a pig out of a cannon?

Todd: Probably. I don't think they'd let you do that.

Ethan: Even if you got him to sign a release form?

Colbert interviews Maurice Sendak

2012-02-02T12:06:00.002-05:00

I'm not a big laugh-out-louder, but I laughed out loud watching this.

The Colbert Report
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Hurray! A real royalty check!

2012-02-01T10:54:00.003-05:00

I got a $35.16 check in the mail today from Penguin Group.

This means two things:

1) "How About a Kiss for Me?" was a gargantuan financial mega-hit--perhaps the most successful book in Penguin's history, who knows? I am like Dr. Seuss, only more successful.

2) I can now drop little lines at cocktail parties like, "Well, we haven't yet decided what to do with the royalties from my first book. We've talked about re-doing the bathroom." (It's true: we've been talking about re-doing the bathroom for years, and the $35.16 will pay for a new shower curtain.)

I went online to see if I could figure out how many books earn out their advances and actually generate royalty checks for their authors. The two ballpark figures I saw were "3 out of 10" and "less than half." So I was high-fiving Kahlua and Bailey and tossing out dog treats, and we were all very excited. Then I went to another site, which said that most kids books earn out their advance because the advances are so small. And I chose to ignore that as "outlier data."

Only remaining question: what color shower curtain?

Ethanism

2012-01-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

"I like to trick Zoe by using double-reverse psychology."

Jennifer's poignant question

2012-01-28T19:59:00.001-05:00

"What books would be in the George W. Bush Presidential Library?"

Sharks in the lobby

2012-01-26T10:48:00.001-05:00

Samuel and Ethan got a chance to test out their Christmas gifts.

Mitten makeover

2012-01-25T10:26:00.005-05:00

Jennifer bought a cleaning mitt the other day, and when I saw it in the kitchen I thought, "This deserves a better life."

So I bought some ping-pong balls and false eyelashes, and glued a little patch of black fabric in the palm for a mouth. My attention span is six minutes. Fortunately this took five.

So far it gets a thumbs up from Samuel, Ethan, and a baby on the subway. Some things were meant to be.

Just enough snow

2012-01-21T21:55:00.007-05:00

"Do you know what I hate about weekends?"

2012-01-18T00:17:00.000-05:00

"They end."

DeLorean holiday party

2012-01-15T13:18:00.010-05:00

Every time I write a blog entry about attending a DeLorean Club function I have to reiterate that we are the only club members who don't actually own a DeLorean.

But Samuel will be club president someday, so we're just getting him acclimated.

The event last night was an indoor mini-golf party. The highlight was seeing one club member's recently converted DeLorean time machine.

He has owned the car for over a decade and keeps it in great shape. A few months ago he had it shipped to a DeLorean customizer in Texas, who outfitted it with flux bands, exhaust vents, worm hole emitter, Mr. Fusion, and all other necessities for time travel. And for the equivalent of two years of private school tuition, you've got yourself a time machine.

How cool is that?

Cool enough for public school, says Samuel.

Dodgeball Deathmatch 2012

2012-01-12T23:05:00.004-05:00

I loved the movie with Vince Vaughn, but I had no idea that actual dodgeball leagues existed until 4pm this afternoon when the guy who sits next to me at the ad-tech start-up I'm consulting for invited me to play with the company team at the season opener tonight.

I said, "No, I don't think so...where is it?"-- thinking that he'd say Brooklyn or Siberia or something.

He said, "Upper West Side."

I was caught off-guard. "Really? Upper West Side?"

He said, "84th between Columbus and Amsterdam."

Damn. Two blocks from my apartment.

And the rest is history. We went undefeated tonight. And I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I'm officially the oldest person ever to have played. That's something, right?

Tibetan book reading

2012-01-08T20:02:00.005-05:00

This is the worst photo I've ever taken--looks like a game of 3-card monte in the conference room of a Ramada Inn--but it's all I've got to chronicle today's event: a children's book reading at the Tibet Center.

I know what you're thinking: "Todd, you're always hanging out at the Tibet Center."

Samuel and I were invited to help read a series of children's books inspired by the ancient wisdom of--well, some ancient guy, and endorsed by the Dalai Lama.

(Side bar: How about a children's book called "You Can Pet a Dolly Llama, But You Can't Pet the Dalai Lama"? Or is that totally blasphemous?)

After the readings, everyone had to stand in a circle, hold hands (I got an old person instead of a toddler--eww!), and say "One thing I know is..." followed by some bit of wisdom like "The universe is peace," or "We are all one," or "It creeps me out to hold hands with strangers."

It was an interesting afternoon, and I hope they sell lots of books. As for me and Samuel, we remain uptight Western snobs out of touch with our inner karma. And I am at peace with that.

This is why I love Iowa Wrestling

2012-01-08T01:00:00.002-05:00

It's not a sport. It's life or death.

Most proud of

2012-01-05T15:53:00.008-05:00

Jennifer and I took Samuel to a high school interview this morning. They interviewed Samuel, then they interviewed me and Jennifer. One question the interviewer asked us was, "What is the one thing you are most proud of about Samuel?"

I am probably the only dad to get teary-eyed in a high school interview for his son.

I said I'm most proud of the fact that Samuel is a good person.

He is kind-hearted, he cares about others, and regardless of whatever individual accomplishments he may or may not have in his life, he will make the world a better place by his having been here.

I won't be here forever. God willing, Samuel (and Ethan) will outlive me. I feel like I've helped plant a tree that has grown tall and blossomed, and it's going to provide shade and greenery and oxygen and other good things to the world.

That is all a parent can wish for.

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T17:20:00.011-05:00

Another year gone
and not much to report
I'm just not a bold
or embellishing sort

Most of my year was spent
earning a buck
and dreaming of finding
a job that won't suck

I wrote some good stories
or so I've been told
They may become books
but they haven't yet sold

I'm not any wiser
It's sad but it's true
There's practically nothing
I learned that was new

I didn't get famous
I didn't get rich
At least I'm not lying
face-down in a ditch

I stayed out of prison
I stayed deep in debt
I didn't go broke
(Though it may happen yet)

I didn't do anything
shameful or lewd
I didn't tweet pics
of myself in the nude

Or assault a hotel maid
or steal from a granny
or father a child
with the family nanny

I didn't get carried away
in a twister
Or marry a f-ing
Kardashian sister

My children got bigger
so big that it's scary
And one of them even
a little bit hairy

They're healthy and happy
And so is my wife
And that, pretty much,
is what matters in life

So I shouldn't complain
but sometimes I still do
Happy new year to me
Happy new year to you

Placesettings

2011-12-30T23:13:00.003-05:00

I would be perfectly happy to eat off paper plates and use paper napkins for the rest of my life--throwing everything away after each meal and avoiding ever having to load or unload the dishwasher.

(I rarely load or unload the dishwasher, but that's not the point.)

I do happen to do laundry sometimes, though, and tonight, as I was pulling the whites out of the dryer, I noticed my Grandmother Tarpley's linen napkins. I remember them from the Christmas dinners of my childhood. I didn't even realize we'd used them for our own Christmas dinner this year, along with Jennifer's grandmother's fine china.

But I noticed them tonight, and it made me smile to think of my Grandmother Tarpley and how she would've loved seeing Samuel and Ethan at 13 and 10, and me and Jennifer still happily married after 21 years, and my mom and dad still happily married after 50.

And that's a good reason to use the fine china and linen napkins now and then, if only to remind ourselves that some things in life are disposable, and some things aren't.

Home for the holidays

2011-12-26T22:30:00.011-05:00

My mom and dad are spending Christmas with us in NYC. They brought Samuel back with them from Arizona. His architecture workshop at Taliesin West was a success--here's his academic output: a tree house.

We opened our gifts on Christmas morning with Mom and Dad on the sofa and Jen's parents via Skype on the laptop.

Samuel got a pocket watch, Portal 2 potato science kit, and a shirt that plays music.

Ethan got a computer writing tablet, a new pair of Heelies, and a flying inflatible shark.

On Christmas night Jen and I took my parents to see "Avenue Q." I whispered to Jennifer that Ethan would enjoy it. Then suddenly there was a puppet sex scene, and I whispered, "Probably better that they stayed home."

Here's to family.

Tarp Street Journal 2011

2011-12-21T22:58:00.006-05:00

The holiday photo and newsletter came out pretty good. Not everyone's going to get it, obviously. Maybe had we dressed up as the Kardashians. Alas, I'm a child of the '70s.

Here's a look at some holidays photos from the past...

The newsletter is here.

We miss Samuel

2011-12-18T13:07:00.001-05:00

Samuel called us this morning from Scottsdale. My mom made him pancakes for breakfast. He's doing fine.

Last night Jen dreamed that Ethan went on a bus by himself to the mall, and she was panicked that he would get lost.

I dreamed that my in-laws took custody of my nephew, and my sister-in-law wanted him back.

Ethan dreamed that he was a back-up dancer for the star of a Disney show, but he wanted both of them to be in the spotlight at the same time.

Funny how our subconscious doesn't simply let us say, "We miss Samuel."

I forgot to ask him what he dreamed about last night.

Busy Saturday

2011-12-17T21:13:00.011-05:00

Today was Samuel's first airplane trip alone--to Arizona to visit his grandparents and attend an architecture workshop.

We rented a car to take him to the airport. I signed up for the "whatever is available" rental car option from Thrifty, and this was what they had left on a Saturday in mid-December.

So we immediately put the top down.

We dropped Samuel off at his airport gate, then proceeded directly to Jen's favorite place in the world: Target.

Tonight we went to a holiday party at friends' apartment, where the girls were holding a contest to see which dad could do the best combination of handstand, cartwheel, and splits.

Seriously, was there ever really any doubt?

Santa even showed up...

We miss our Samuel, but he's safe and sound in Scottsdale...probably playing Minecraft on the grandparents' computer at this moment.

Ethanism

2011-12-13T23:11:00.003-05:00

Ethan: "The only thing that makes me feel better about our apartment is watching 'Hoarders.'"

Christmas Tree

2011-12-11T01:40:00.003-05:00

Things I like about getting ready for Christmas:

1. Picking out a Christmas tree.
2. Reading Samuel and Ethan's Christmas lists.
3. Listening to my niece and nephew tell me their Christmas lists over the phone.
4. Eating the cookies that Jennifer and Ethan made tonight.

Things I don't like about getting ready for Christmas:

1. Getting decorations down from the closet.
2. Tree sap.
3. Pine needles.
4. Having to clean up the house in advance of having a cleaning person come clean the house.

Here's our beautiful tree with a slumbering lump of Cocker Spaniel in front of it.

Working on the holiday photo...

2011-12-04T19:43:00.003-05:00

We didn't get much done this weekend, but we did manage to get some shots taken for our holiday photo--against a green screen on the living room wall. I've got them in Photoshop and we'll see how much progress I make tonight.

It will be an "album cover" theme this year, in case the visual isn't familiar yet. (We've done "Help" and "Abbey Road" in the past.)

Stand by.

Thanksgiving video

2011-11-26T00:48:00.001-05:00

This year: Hitchcock meets ninjas. As always, we can't show the whole thing, but here's the trailer...

Thanksgiving gingerbread project

2011-11-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

Ethan's new book

2011-11-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

Ethan has been complaining all week that he has to read 10 pages of a book every night for school.

So the first thing he did this weekend was get the new "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" book, which he has been reading for the past two hours.

He just came in to read me a funny part.

Minecraft party!

2011-11-18T16:47:00.007-05:00

As everyone in the free world under the age of 18 apparently knows, today is the official release ("not just the beta") of an online virtual world called Minecraft. Samuel and Ethan are having a pizza party with friends, and everyone is playing the game on their laptops together.

For my generation, I think the equivalent was when "Hotel California" came out and we all gathered around the turntable.

Here's some play-by-play to give you a sense of the excitement level...

Cobblestones, yeah!

I'm taking all the supplies!

Hey, Lindsey, where are you?

I found land!

Ethan, where are you?

Aaron!

I'm invincible!

I'm scared!

Samuel, kill the skeleton! Kill it! Kill it!

I'm gonna turn up my render distance!

I see a creeper!

Oh my god, it's a creeper!

Just so you know...

2011-11-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law says Facebook is "a big bunch of hooey."

Dear Baby

2011-11-16T19:17:00.002-05:00

I just submitted a new manuscript this week. I started it at the writer's retreat a couple of weeks ago. I was intrigued by the idea of a dad and baby writing love notes to each other...

Dear Baby,
Welcome to the world.
Love, Daddy

Dear Daddy,
Good to be here. Milk, please.
Love, Baby

It always makes me happy to finish a manuscript. Not as good as it feels to sell one, but it's the only part of the process that I can control. In my next life I'll rule the world and things will be better.

In the meantime, I'll keep plugging away and hope for the best.

Dear Baby,
I love nibbling on your belly and making you giggle.
Like this.
Nibble, nibble, nibble.
Love, Daddy

Dear Daddy,
He-he-he!
Love, Baby

Do you hate country music?

2011-11-14T20:07:00.004-05:00

Okay, but listen to these songs first...I guarantee you'll be humming at least one for the next four hours.

"A Fool Such as I" by Elvis Presley. It was a country hit for Hank Snow before Elvis took it to #2 on the pop charts in 1959.

"End of the World" by Skeeter Davis. A simple, honest, beautiful melody that stands the test of time. #2 on the pop charts in 1963. Amazingly, it also hit #4 on Billboard's R&B chart!

"When Will I Be Loved" by the Everly Brothers. Holy cow--no, that's not a faulty treble setting, that's Phil Everly's damn voice!

"Rock Around With Ollie Vee" by Buddy Holly. Recorded in Nashville in 1956, it was released after "That'll Be the Day" in 1957 but didn't chart. The quintessential rockabilly song.

"I Don't Want to Spoil the Party" by The Beatles. John and Paul channel Phil and Don. This is a lesser-known song from the 1965 "Beatles For Sale" album, and pretty catchy. The Beatles did several other country songs, including Buck Owens' "Act Naturally" and Carl Perkins' "Honey Don't."

This concludes today's public service announcement on behalf of the Country Music Association. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I think Samuel may be having difficulty with geometry

2011-11-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

Writer's retreat

2011-11-03T21:28:00.006-04:00

I'm on the 5-hour train ride home from a children's book writer's retreat at an historic lodge on Lake George.

It was cold, there was no cell phone reception, and no TV, so I'm lucky to be alive.

But I met some nice editors and fellow writers, got a manuscript critiqued, and got lots of creative inspiration, so it was a win overall.

Would've been better in summer, that's all. (Some people like to look at leaves and drink coffee. I like to jump in the water and drink Coke Zero.)

Here's some free advice, courtesy of a real book editor: the title and first line are by far the most important elements of any picture book.

That's my freebie to you--I just saved you a few hundred bucks. You're welcome.

Okay, one more: "Every day we make new children--let us also make new children's books."

Buddy and Maria's table

2011-11-03T20:53:00.007-04:00

This is Ethan sitting at table 53 at P.J. Clarke's on 3rd Avenue, where he and I had an early dinner. It's the table where Buddy Holly proposed to Maria on their first date in 1958. That's their wedding photo on the wall.

I've been on a Buddy Holly kick for the past month, starting around the time I discovered that his NYC apartment is for sale. I've read four Buddy Holly books, scoured the Internet, even sent a letter to his widow, Maria, asking if I can co-author her memoir.

Some people go on month-long drinking binges; I do stuff like this.

Halloween

2011-11-01T20:09:00.000-04:00

Another Halloween is in the books.

Samuel was an Aperture Science test subject from the computer game "Portal." He finished installing the LED lights in his portal gun moments before trick-or-treating began.

Ethan was Rainbow Dash from "My Little Pony," with wings and a magical rainbow tail. Mac, his puppet-who-doesn't-like-to-be-called-a-puppet, was Spider-man.

Hey, we never claimed to have normal kids.

Jennifer was a cat, and I was just a guy with a mask, although in retrospect, I think with just a couple of tweaks we could've been Catwoman and The Riddler. Oh, well.

We tricked-or-treated in our building, then visited friends on 95th Street, where the kids compared their booty.

Is snow in October a sign of the Apocalypse?

2011-10-29T20:30:00.008-04:00

If so, much preferred to locust swarm, but still an annoying inconvenience.

I get more excited at birthday parties than my kids

2011-10-27T22:27:00.005-04:00

I had a great time playing with a four-year-old this evening.

All you have to do is look them in the eyes and listen, and make a surprised face after everything they say, and the world is a great place.

Hanging out with adults is vastly overrated.

Important things I learned at social media conference today

2011-10-25T22:31:00.006-04:00

Brands are starting to measure success not simply by impressions but by expressions...

It's important to reach not just users but influencers...

I wonder how many rock'n'roll songs I could list that consist solely of a person's name...

The new key metrics are reach, frequency, and interaction...

Peggy Sue...Maybelline...Long Tall Sally...Donna...

Michelle...Shari...Dawn...Layla...Lola...

Suzie Q...Rhiannon...Roseanna...Gloria...Jenny (867-5309)...

Sometimes I get the nagging suspicion that I have a limited attention span.

Portal gun update

2011-10-23T22:52:00.005-04:00

Samuel stayed up until 1am on Friday and Saturday nights--and is still up at 11pm tonight--working on his portal gun.

He shaved down and shaped the Styrofoam shell, which he'll cover with paper mache, Bondo, and white paint. He also painted the barrel black, and added the central lighting core, which he built out of a clear acrylic plunger handle surrounded by a clear plastic tube. He'll light it with 22 tiny LED lights--11 orange, 11 blue.

He hopes to finish it in time for his Monster Mash party at school on Wednesday.

Buddy Holly's apartment is for sale!!

2011-10-22T14:00:00.009-04:00

Man, if I had any money I would be psychotically dangerous.

I'm reading a book about Buddy Holly, and it mentioned that he and his wife Maria lived at 11 Fifth Avenue, apartment 4H, from the fall of 1958 through early 1959, when Buddy was killed in a plane crash while on tour. He recorded several songs here on an old Ampex tape recorder, which have been released in various forms over the years.

So like any normal person would do, I Googled "11 Fifth Avenue 4H" to see what would come up, and--holy crap--it's for sale!

Here's the listing from Brown Harris Stevens. It doesn't mention Buddy Holly, or even that it's apartment 4H. (It came up on a multiple listings site, StreetEasy, as 4H.)

I feel like I need to run out and alert someone. Everyone else in the Tarpley household is strangely uninterested. Doesn't anyone else find this completely cool??

This is like when I told my dermatologist how cool it was that her office was located in the building where Bill Haley and the Comets recorded "Rock Around the Clock" in 1954, and she looked at me like I was insane.

My declining physical prowess

2011-10-20T16:56:00.001-04:00

At age 28, when I was still competing in amateur wrestling, I could run three 5-minute miles in a row. For context, that means I could've kept pace with the leaders of the NYC Marathon for three miles before dropping out, exhausted, while they continued on at the same pace for an additional 23 miles. Still, it's faster than most people ever run, and I was proud of that.

By age 38 I could still run three 6-minute miles in a row--or one 5-minute mile, but only if I didn't have to walk the following day. My feeling was, that's still pretty good for an old person, and I was happy with that.

Now, at age 48, I have achilles tendonitis, hamstrings and calves that pull if I move too suddenly, and the first five minutes of every run are spent mumbling, "Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch" until the adrenaline kicks in.

So I'm almost giddy to report that I ran three miles at 6:27 pace last week, and a 5:57 mile yesterday. Frankly, it doesn't even seem all that fast when I'm doing it, but it's like driving an old sports car at 65 mph--you know it probably could go faster, but why tempt fate?

By my calculations, in ten years I will be writing a blog entry saying how excited I am to have run a 7-minute mile. That will be perfectly fine with me.

Ethanism

2011-10-18T11:55:00.000-04:00

"They should make a soup called Cannibal's Soup and the noodles would be shaped like people."

Weekend update

2011-10-16T22:04:00.000-04:00

Samuel got his Scooby Snacks recipe published in "Creative Kids" magazine. He submitted it last year, and he's grown so much in the meantime that his photo looks nothing like him.

At the moment he's busy building a portal gun on the living room floor.

Ethan is making a movie called "Fast as a Phoenix," a comedy about life inside a package-shipping company.

Jen and I are finishing up laundry, filling out high school applications for Samuel, and using our psychic powers to will the boys to get their pajamas on and put themselves to bed.

Limelight IHOP

2011-10-12T17:07:00.003-04:00

IHOP is opening a restaurant in the old church that housed Limelight.

For those of you who are not as culturally hip as I am, Limelight was a disco in NYC in the 1980s--the successor to Studio 54.

I went to Limelight exactly once, in 1983, when I was at NYU. I balked at the $20 cover charge ("Man, we could've just bought wine coolers and partied at the dorm"), but I was out-voted.

It was too loud to talk, and too crowded to do anything except shuffle along and hope you came face-to-face with some hot chicks.

I met my first tranvestite that night.

Good times.

In retrospect it was worth the $20 just to be able to write this blog entry. But Samuel and I are more excited about the new IHOP than I ever was about Limelight.

Pumpkin picking

2011-10-10T22:39:00.002-04:00

Today we learned that pumpkin picking, while mildly diverting, doesn't hold the same magic for 10- and 13-year-olds as it does for younger kids.

No oohing and ahhing over the hayride. No insistence on feeding the farm animals. They picked out their pumpkins in about 15 seconds, then Samuel wanted to go to Home Depot to get some materials to build something called a portal gun, and Ethan wanted to go home so he could draw comics without being bothered by flies and bees.

Exciting moments of the day:

1) Inadvertently stopping at a teeny pumpkin farm with a similar-sounding name half a mile before the real one. (I said, "Hmm, it didn't look like this on Google Maps.")

2) Blizzards at Dairy Queen.

3) Getting a flat tire from running over the curb trying to get to Dairy Queen.

4) Getting the tire changed at Lexus of Greenwich--the only car service shop still open--for no charge. (Perhaps they were dazzled by seeing a Ford Focus.)

5) Making it back to Manhattan on the spare tire only 45 minutes late, then letting the dogs ride in the car back to the rental drop-off.

Ethanism

2011-10-08T20:01:00.000-04:00

I don't think a rabbit's foot is so lucky. I mean, the rabbit had it first, and look what happened to him.

Robert Wagner's hacked cell phone call

2011-10-07T19:05:00.000-04:00

Robert: Wagner residence.

Morty: Bob, it's Morty. Your agent.

Robert: Wow.

Morty: Yeah, I know, it's been awhile. But listen, great news! I've got a gig for you!

Robert: Movie?

Morty: No.

Robert: Network TV series?

Morty: Commercial.

Robert: Okay. Luxury car? Premium liquor?

Morty: Even better, Bob. Reverse mortgages.

Robert: What's that?

Morty: You convince financially strapped old people to sell their homes in return for a monthly payment from a company that hopes they die soon so the company can make a profit.

Robert: Hmmm.

Morty: It's this or the dinner theater gig in Boca Raton.

Robert: I'm an actor. I can do this.

Ethan: "You know who I feel sorry for?"

2011-10-06T18:49:00.000-04:00

"The Naked Brothers Band. They must be like, 'What happened to us?'"

Monsters

2011-10-04T20:20:00.000-04:00

Late one dark and stormy night
Through thunderous noise and wondrous fright
You toddled softly to my bed
To chase the monsters from your head
You crawled inside and snuggled deep
Then warm and safe fell fast asleep
You held me tight ’til break of day
And chased our monsters all away.

20 Bears in 25 Minutes

2011-10-03T23:31:00.009-04:00

I went to a creativity workshop tonight. Interesting exercise: create 20 of anything in 25 minutes using any materials you can find. It forces you to work fast and not be a perfectionist.

Important note: If you decide to try this at home, please do not confuse it with 20 Beers in 25 Minutes, which is a completely different creative exercise.

Weekend Update

2011-10-02T20:13:00.000-04:00

Friday: I weaseled my way into the front window of Granny-Made, the children's shop around the corner. They're probably not gonna sell a lot of books, but I really like the idea of walking by nonchalantly with friends, waiting until they spot my book, then pretending I knew nothing about it.

Saturday: dog haircuts. They look like cyborgs in the photo, because the flash of the camera bounces off the inside of their brains, and since there is nothing in there, it just reflects back. But they look good in real life.

Sunday: Renaissance Fair. Samuel and Ethan were not particularly interested this year. That's probably a good thing. As we passed one of the food vendors, Ethan said, "What the heck is Ye Olde Lemonade"?

Now: Jen is cleaing up the kitchen and listening to Richard Marx's greatest hits. Ethan is watching videos on a laptop and asking Jennifer if she'll turn off Richard Marx. Samuel is studying for something called the ISEE test, so that he can attend high school instead of going straight to work in a coal mine.

"I don't like my haircut."

2011-10-01T13:45:00.001-04:00

Todd: "It looks good."

Ethan: "It's too short. But it was for medical reasons."

Todd: "Really? I didn't know about that. What medical reasons?"

Ethan: "It was in my eyes."

Top 10 Stupidest Sounding NYC High Schools

2011-09-26T23:45:00.001-04:00

We've started looking at high schools for Samuel. Here are ten that he hopefully won't be attending:

10. Flushing High (Queens)

9. Automotive High (Brooklyn)

8. Banana Kelly High (Bronx)

7. Food and Finance High (Manhattan)

6. Fannie Lou Hamer Freedom High (Bronx)

5. ACORN Community High (Brooklyn)

4. High School for Violin and Dance (Bronx)

3. Urban Action Academy (Brooklyn)

2. Peace and Diversity Academy (Bronx)

1. Bread and Roses High (Manhattan)

Bonus: CSI High (Staten Island)

Happy birthday, Jim Henson

2011-09-24T18:54:00.002-04:00

Jim Henson has always been near the top of my Most Admired list. I loved his unbounded creativity and penchant for visual punchlines.

In celebration of his birthday, here are a few others from my list...

Dr. Seuss: And what happened then...? Well...in Who-ville they say that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!

Steven Spielberg: Redefined the action movie genre. Humanitarian. Seven kids. How cool is that?

William Wegman: Dressing up dogs in funny costumes! How cool is that??

Anne Geddes: ...enough said.

Carl Sagan: Billions and billions. He made science cool. Or me nerdy, not sure which.

Woody Allen: When I imagine the perfect gig, it involves writing and directing a new movie every year for 40 years.

Paul McCartney: Or writing a classic song every month for 50 years.

Everyone who has made the world a better place by virtue of the love they give, the laughter they incite, or the people that they inspire.

Who do you admire?

Surrogate Mom Is Left With Twins When Couple Changes Their Minds

2011-09-19T20:34:00.000-04:00

Apparently a couple that had contracted with a surrogate mom decided 27 weeks into it that they didn't want the babies after all.

Why am I never around when stuff like this happens?

Wisconsin

2011-09-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

Just got back from a weekend in Madison, Wisconsin. I was making some instructional wrestling videos with my favorite ex-teammate Barry, celebrating his 50th birthday, and watching his daughter run a great high school cross-country race. Heck, I even went to church this morning, and lightning didn't strike me.

I hadn't been on a wrestling mat in 20 years, so I'm a little sore. The bad news: Barry politely suggested that I not wear my circa-1990 wrestling shoes. I guess it would be like an old football player walking onto the field with a leather helmet. The good news: he said I could probably sell them on eBay for $100.

Here's to good friends, fond memories, and all the really important things we didn't have in our lives 20 years ago.

2011-09-11T11:58:00.006-04:00

I am proud to be raising my children in a city that symbolizes America.

Ethanism

2011-09-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

"What would you do if you were a dentist and you found out halfway through the exam that the guy was wearing false teeth?"

The end of summer

2011-09-05T20:30:00.001-04:00

Ethan: Summer doesn't last long enough.

Todd: Yeah, I know. But is it better to be sad knowing that it ends every year or happy knowing that it's going to come again every year?

Ethan: I think sad. You have to go to school for nine months just for three months of summer.

Todd: What do you think it should be?

Ethan: Maybe twelve months of summer, and school the rest of the time.

Real, live, actual camping

2011-09-04T21:48:00.000-04:00

In summer as in life, we never quite manage to check everything off the bucket list, but I'm happy to report that Ethan got his wish to go camping.

We went to the Delaware River Family Campground, located on the New Jersey/Pennsylvania border. It's a Mom-and-Pop-owned throwback to the '50s, with a camp store, swimming pool, and cinder-block restroom building with hot showers and plywood stall doors.

We own no camping equipment, so we stopped at Wal-Mart on the way and picked up the cheapest tent we could find--which turned out to be two 2-person tents for $20 each. We only had two sleeping bags, so we bought two more. Jen insisted on buying an inflatable mattress, which is in violation of international camping rules, but we allowed it anyway.

Everyone else at the campground had behemoth-sized tents. Some had an extra tent just to cover their picnic table and food. One group had set up a big-screen TV.

We looked like Camp Barbie with our two teeny tents.

We swam at the pool, played in the game room, then went to the camp store and got corn dogs, soda, bottled water, firewood, a firestarter brick, marshmallows, marshmallow roasting sticks, extra bottled water, Jiffy-Pop popcorn, a long handle with which to hold the Jiffy-Pop over the fire, and one more extra bottle of water, to make absolutely sure we wouldn't die of thirst before the camp store re-opened at 8am.

Jennifer and Ethan fell asleep at 10:30 and slept like rocks all night. Samuel and I both looked out of our tents at each other at midnight, confessed we couldn't sleep, and hung out by the embers of the fire for another hour. Samuel eventually slept in the car, and I crawled into Ethan's tent for fear that he would otherwise wake at 3 in the morning and find Samuel missing and freak out.

My back and neck are killing me. But I was pleased to see Ethan so happy--singing by the campfire, toasting marshmallow after marshmallow.

Venus diagnosed with disease that causes fatigue and joint pain

2011-09-01T19:43:00.006-04:00

Eureka! I think I figured out what's wrong with me!

Mail call from Ethan

2011-08-30T16:54:00.002-04:00

"Dad, you got a new magazine in the mail--Old People Making Things Out of Wood."

We survived!

2011-08-28T11:02:00.003-04:00

We awoke this morning to find our apartment and neighborhood still intact. There are a few leaves and twigs on the sidewalk, and some puddles in the street, but we're far enough from the water to have avoided any major effects.

The biggest damage: dog turds and puddles of pee in the boys' room this morning. That's kinda par for the course anyway. Also, Ethan fell off the sofa last night, where he was sleeping.

Jennifer and Samuel are still asleep. Ethan is sitting next to me playing a game on his laptop while watching "iCarly." Kahlua is lying on the floor next to us. Bailey is probably peeing in the boys' room.

Happy thoughts and good wishes from NYC.

Live blogging for Hurricane Irene

2011-08-28T00:09:00.000-04:00

Sat, 4pm: Devastation everywhere...papers, books, and dirty clothes strewn about...junk piled high on every surface...and that's just the inside of our apartment. Storm has not yet begun.

Sat, 6pm: Panic beginning to set in. Who is going to deliver our food to us during the hurricane? What if we want sushi but all we can get is pizza?

Sat, 8pm: Just ordered sushi from restaurant on Amsterdam. Crisis averted for now.

Sat, midnight: Jennifer just asked me if I'd be willing to run to the deli and get her a dozen eggs so she can make a fritada. Jennifer, are you insane?? It's midnight and there's a raging hurricane outside!

Sun, 12:05am: Deli man says hi to everyone on the Internet and reiterates that they are located at 82nd and Amsterdam and will try to stay open tomorrow if they can.

You know you have city kids when...

2011-08-27T08:48:00.000-04:00

...they refer to telephone poles as "those tall wooden things they have in the country."

Hurricane preparations

2011-08-26T22:53:00.005-04:00

We're taking this Hurricane Irene thing very seriously.

As my panicky neighbors were busy stockpiling canned goods and bottled water, I slipped out of work today at 12:45 and drove the boys to Mountain Creek waterpark as fast as our little rental car would go.

I'll be damned if I'm going to miss a late summer waterpark day when we may all be dead by Sunday.

P.S. Aside from the wave pool being closed, it was good.

"It's Never Polite to Fart on Your Dad"

2011-08-26T00:28:00.000-04:00

I figured this manuscript would either be a runaway best seller or never see the light of day. Judging by the fact that my agent didn't even reply to my email, I'm guessing it falls into the latter category.

It’s not a big deal
To throw sand at your brother
Frown at your sister
Spit up on your mother

It’s perfectly fine
To be naughty and bad
But it’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

It’s okay to get angry
And pull the dog’s tail
Trust me, you’ll never get
Hauled off to jail

But don’t toot your tushy
I’m warning you, lad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

The noses of daddies
Are sensitive things
They can’t stand the scent
Of a bottom, it seems

They’re never around
When a diaper needs changing
They’re suddenly shaving
Or sock rearranging

So don’t eke one out
It’ll just make him mad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

It’s the smell of a grill
That a dad’s nose prefers
He’ll run from the room
When a blowout occurs

The thought of a stinkbomb
Will fill him with gloom
He’ll hide under covers
When smells fill the room

It’s perfectly fine
To be bossy and rude
Gross and obnoxious
Or saucy and crude

It’s okay to throw tantrums
When you’re really mad
But it’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

When you are a father
And have a small child
You may think it’s funny
When Junior runs wild

You may think it’s cute
When he wakes from his nap
And toddles right over
To sit on your lap

But if you hear sounds
Like a loud thunder clap
Hold your nose now
You’ve been caught in a trap

So take my advice
From one kid to another
If you must toot
Do it close to your mother

She won’t mind at all
She’ll just lift you and sniff you
And if she sees nothing
Well, it’s a non-issue

But on your own father?
That’s badder than bad!
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

Please don’t sneak a stinky
Not even a tad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

(Hey!...don’t even think about it.)

"Aw, fitch!"

2011-08-24T23:32:00.004-04:00

Ethan has been running around for the past month yelling, "Aw, fitch!" He said it sounds like it should be a curse word.

So I bought him this t-shirt.

He was excited.

Mac

2011-08-23T14:51:00.001-04:00

Ethan: "This is Mac. Don't call him a puppet. He doesn't like that. Mom and I made him out of material. The first time I made him out of a paper bag, but it was starting to disintegrate a little bit, so we decided to re-make him out of material, which is better."

Jennifer: "We had to turn an old Build-a-Bear inside-out to figure out how to sew it. It took two straight days."

Ethan: "I got the idea from 'Victorious' on Nickelodeon."

Jennifer: "He looks pretty good, but I wouldn't want to sew puppets for a living."

Mac: "Don't call me a puppet."

DeLorean adventure

2011-08-20T23:33:00.007-04:00

The boys and I went on a little adventure today to a place out on Long Island that sells and services DeLoreans. Jen didn't go because she's not into that sort of thing, so it was just us men.

An hour-and-a-half on the Long Island Railroad and a 25-minute walk later, we arrived to find the place closed. So we wandered around and looked through the chain-link fences and peered into the windows of the shop, and spotted 26 DeLoreans in all. They were in various states of disrepair, several obviously living out their final days as parts cars.

Then a 25-minute walk back to the Sayville train station, and another hour-and-a-half train ride back to Manhattan.

Samuel still wants a DeLorean for his 16th birthday, and I'm still determined to figure out how to make that dream come true. I just can't stand to see the universe out of whack.

Ethanism

2011-08-20T15:02:00.000-04:00

"If you put sunglasses over a movie camera, would the people watching the movie be protected from the sun?"

Orlando!

2011-08-20T01:17:00.007-04:00

Cross a big one off the summer bucket list.

The boys have been wanting to go to Universal Studios Orlando for several years, having out-grown Disney World sometime during the Bush administration. 2012's not looking all that great for Obama, so we didn't want to risk crossing an entire presidency without accomplishing this one simple task.

We stayed at the Hilton, which had a very large pool, a big, twisty slide, and an actual lazy river.

We opted for the 3-day Universal Studios passes, which unfortunately means the boys aren't going to college.

Harry Potter Land, or whatever it's called, was a big hit. We didn't care for the butter beer, which was jinxed by the name before we even tasted it. But we liked Hogwarts, and the roller coaster, which we rode five times, and the $30 wands that are mass produced for 50 cents by Chinese prison laborers, then packaged in fancy boxes and marked up accordingly.

Final bonus: indoor skydiving.

Four thumbs up!

Robert Frost: The Lost Poems, part 1

2011-08-19T22:15:00.000-04:00

Whose woods these are I've no idea.
My poor old horse has diarrhea.
A year from now
These woods will be
A parking lot for some Ikea.

Rock'n'Roll Confessions

2011-08-16T21:44:00.000-04:00

I think Bob Dylan is a self-absorbed doofus.

I've never understood the appeal of The Grateful Dead.

I think Paul McCartney was the most talented Beatle, and that John and Yoko's "Double Fantasy" album sucked.

There. I said it. Huge weight lifted.

I'm not saying we're too permissive as parents...

2011-08-15T23:02:00.000-04:00

...but Ethan's new favorite show is "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

What do Jerry Seinfeld and Fidel Castro have in common?

2011-08-13T21:18:00.004-04:00

A.) They both had hit TV series--"Seinfeld" on NBC, and Castro's short-lived "Havana Montana" on the WB Network.

B.) They were both members of teen pop band Menudo in the 1980s.

C.) They have probably both looked in the windows of our apartment.

If you answered C, you are correct. Castro's brother-in-law was a tenant at 155 West 82nd Street, a few doors down from our apartment building, when Castro married his first wife, Mirta, in the fall of 1948. Castro and Mirta lived there for several weeks during their honeymoon.

Jerry Seinfeld bought the brownstone in 2005 to house staff and guests--he lives down the block at the Beresford, on Central Park West, and houses his collection of Porsches one block over, on West 83rd Street. Despite the fact that we are practically next-door neighbors, he has never come over to borrow a cup of sugar, nor even to offer to let me drive a Porsche.

The brownstone is now for sale for $4.5 mil. Why is Seinfeld selling? I suspect it has something to do with the loud barking dogs and unruly kids that live a few doors down.

Ethanism

2011-08-10T20:39:00.001-04:00

"Which was invented first, telling the truth or lying?"

Celebrity sex addiction treatment center: Day 1

2011-08-09T16:07:00.000-04:00

Good morning, gentlemen. Welcome to the Center for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction. I'm Doctor Tarpley.

Let me first say that sex addiction is a medical condition. Just like psoriasis or gall stones. You didn't ask for it. You bear no responsibility for tweeting a photo of your privates to someone you don't know. Or fathering a child with your housekeeper.

The important thing to realize is that you're a victim. And the purpose of your rehab is to make other people realize that too.

I applaud you for your courage.

Now, if you'll just pass me your credit card, I'll swipe it and we'll get started.

Sunday in the park

2011-08-07T23:12:00.008-04:00

Splashdown Beach!

2011-08-07T01:40:00.001-04:00

The line at Avis was out the door when I went to pick up the rental car this morning. Summer weekends are peak season for car rentals in Manhattan, so not only do the cars cost $200 a day, they're over-booked. But eventually I secured a car, a powder blue monstrosity called a Ford Crown Victoria. (Every time someone blames gay marriage for what's wrong with America, I will silently hold up a picture of the Ford Crown Victoria.)

We picked up chocolate croissants, then hit the West Side Highway toward Fishkill, 75 miles north of NYC.

It was cloudy and only 80 degrees, which meant the lines at Splashdown were reasonably short. We hadn't been there in a couple of years, so we braved some bigger rides: the Humunga Half-Pipe, the Bullet Bowl ("the toilet bowl ride"), and a couple other fast slides. That's one advantage of your kids getting bigger, even as you're wistfully eyeing the pirate ship kiddie area as you walk past.

Splashdown Beach is a relatively small waterpark--I referred to the wave pool as the Barbie wave pool--but that's part of its charm. It's not overrun with high-school and college-age kids, which makes it a kinder, gentler waterpark than most.

Ethan got his first bee sting, which was traumatic for 5 minutes but now seems to be a source of pride.

Afterwards we stopped at Taco Bell for the kids, then at Wal-Mart for Jen.

Adding up the $200 rental car, $120 waterpark passes, $40 gas, $100 meals, and $200 Wal-Mart excursion, we could've bought a small house in Oklahoma. But it was worth it.

P.S. We're counting the $200 at Wal-Mart as a $100 credit, since it would've been more expensive elsewhere. That's a little accounting trick I learned from Jennifer.

How Not to Succeed in Business

2011-08-06T11:49:00.000-04:00

I'm writing a blog for a talent agency called The Hired Guns. I hate career advice columns, so I decided to write a column for people who want to know how to suck.

Link: www.thehiredguns.com/blogs/tag/how-not-to-succeed

Joy

2011-08-05T14:50:00.003-04:00

I'm walking through the park and I see a little girl walking with her dad. She suddenly points to a dog and says, "DAD! LOOK! A BULLDOG!"

Like it's the only one on the planet.

That's what's so cool about kids.

Ethanism

2011-08-03T11:39:00.001-04:00

"I don't get why they teach estimation in math. I mean, if the answer is 100, a math professional wouldn't say 99 and everyone else would go, 'Okay, close enough.'"

There exists a parallel universe...

2011-08-01T22:10:00.008-04:00

...known as the Upper East Side.

Samuel and Ethan and I decided to have dinner at the EJ's on East 73rd, since the EJ's on the Upper West Side closed.

What we discovered is that, in addition to EJ's, there is a parallel-universe Brother Jimmy's, a parallel-universe Haru, a parallel-universe Citarella, and even a parallel-universe Gristides.

It's just like the Upper West Side except that instead of families in jeans and t-shirts, it's populated by old, overly tan people in Polo shirts. Creepy.

Impulse control

2011-07-31T01:53:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I bought the toddler dress.

Now I just need a toddler to wear it, and the world will be a better place.

I'm paying for it from the advance of my third book. Which I've not yet sold, so technically that money doesn't exist. But my plan is to give the dress to the 1-year-old daughter of my agent, thereby incentivizing her to close the book deal. I've managed to get this far in life with ass-backward thinking like that, so I think it might work.

Can someone please loan me a toddler...

2011-07-30T15:35:00.005-04:00

...so that I can buy this dress that's in the window of Granny-Made? It's pink and yellow with little butterflies pinned all over it, and it makes me smile to think of a 2-year-old with chubby cheeks and little chubby legs wearing it to a tea party and saying, "It's my butterfwy dwess."

In related news, my wife and kids are convinced that I'm gay.

Ethan's dream fruit

2011-07-29T11:40:00.000-04:00

Ethan: "Pomegranate was my dream fruit. I always wanted a fruit that you could open up a layer and there'd be tons of seeds that you could eat. And when you'd open up the seeds there'd be another layer of seeds. When I found out a fruit like that actually existed, I said, 'Yea!'"

Handbook of Children and Media

2011-07-26T14:54:00.000-04:00

The newly revised edition of "Handbook of Children and Media" came out today. It's a thick textbook with chapters on the impact of media on children by two dozen leading academics.

And me.

I contributed a chapter called "Children and New Technologies."

I was a grad assistant for the editors at Yale back in '91-'93. I wasn't even a Psychology student, but I found children's media research interesting, and they let me work for them, and I took to it. Lo and behold, I managed to get an invite to write a chapter in the first edition of the book, in 2001. Ten years later, I was asked to update my chapter.

Meanwhile, all the other contributors, who were already leaders in their field in 2001, have all advanced their careers another ten years and are now like a Who's Who of children's media researchers.

And then there's me--no PhD, no scholarly articles. Hell, I barely manage to stay employed.

So it looks suspiciously like I hacked into the publisher's computers and inserted a chapter by me as a prank.

But stay with me--it gets funnier.

I have an Amazon Author's Page (as a result of "How About a Kiss for Me?"), and so this book shows up on my Author's Page, and I show up on the book's page.

But apparently none of the other contributors has an Author's Page.

So if you go to Amazon it looks like I'm the sole author of this landmark academic book on children and media.

Oops. Heh-heh.

Drive-in Movie!

2011-07-24T20:17:00.008-04:00

Last night we went to the Midway Drive-In in Sterling, Illinois. The boys had never been to a drive-in, and Jen and I hadn't been to one in at least 25 years. We managed to track one down.

I believe it was named Midway for its proximity to the middle of nowhere. We passed three dead skunks on the way, and the cicadas and bullfrogs were freaking Ethan out.

It was definitely an authentic relic, from the ticket booth...

...to the snackbar.

They replaced the old car speakers several years ago, so now you listen to the movie on the radio. Lots of people brought folding chairs and sat in front of their cars.

It was very Norman Rockwell, right down to the buzz-cut blonde kids running around. We even heard one dad calling his kids to come back from the play area: "Jeremiah! Jedidiah!"

I told Jen, "Just think if we'd given our kids Bible names. They'd be Cain and Judas."

Magic Waters

2011-07-24T19:54:00.007-04:00

I don't know if I'd say "magic," but it was definitely water. And on the hottest day known to mankind, it felt good.

The best part about Magic Waters is that it only cost $10 to get in--a Thursday special we didn't even know about.

The worst part about it is that it's in Rockford, Illinois, which, once you factor in airfare from NYC, rental car, hotel, and fuel...calculate, calculate...well, let's just say you don't really come out ahead.

Also, everyone from the entire state of Illinois happened to show up on the day we were there, per the picture below. (The butt cracks and cellulite in the background kinda make the photo less appealing, imo, but you can't really ask people to move their butts out of your picture. Suffice it to say this photo will not be making an appearance on any holiday cards.)

All in all, we had a good time.

Illinois

2011-07-22T01:06:00.004-04:00

I'm hunkering down for my second night at the lovely Days Inn in Rockford, Illinois. It's $45 a night. That tells you everything you need to know.

I have business in Chicago tomorrow, but Jen and the boys were visiting her parents in Prophetstown, so I came out early to meet them halfway for a day.

Last night I went to a Wal-Mart to buy a notebook so I could do some writing.

The cashier was complaining to the customer ahead of me: "He said he'd raise taxes, so I didn't vote for him. Folks have enough troubles right now without raising taxes. I have $17 held out of every paycheck, thanks to him."

The customer laughed in agreement, and the cashier rang up my notebook. It came to 22 cents.

I said, "22 cents? Are you sure?"

The woman behind me in line, who looked like a midwestern mom, said, "Yep, Back-to-School. It's not even August yet!"

Then I had dinner by myself at a Steak'n'Shake. I ordered cheeseburger sliders. They were $3.50--plus 39 cents for the cheese.

Basically, a dollar goes a long ways in Rockford, and folks are friendly. But you can't tell anyone you voted for Obama.

Freezer cleaning

2011-07-19T22:42:00.007-04:00

Jen and the boys left for Illinois today to visit the grandparents. I'm flying out tomorrow evening, so I took advantage of my night alone by--wait for it--cleaning all the crap out of our freezer.

Jennifer packs our tiny freezer to the gills, and I honestly don't know why. It's not like we live in rural Montana and don't have access to fresh meat. Zabars, West Side Market, Fairway, and about 400 other places that sell meat are located within a few hundred yards of our apartment. I'm quite confident I could secure some meat for my family within approximately 4 minutes--8 in a raging blizzard. And it would taste better than the frost-covered stuff in our freezer.

Don't get me started on the fridge. There was an unopened package of bacon with an expiration date of mid-July, on top of an unopened package of bacon with an expiration date of mid-June, on top of an unopened package of bacon with an expiration date of mid-May.

I found a couple of items from 2010 in there.

Have I been laid off so often that I've caused Jennifer to have a fear of starving? Is it the early stages of hoarding? Are we going to be featured on an A&E show next year? Wouldn't the money we waste on uneaten groceries be better spent on a DeLorean?

Maybe I'm the crazy one for being so anal-retentive that I can't wait to have the apartment to myself so that I can furiously throw crap away before the rest of the family gets back home.

But it feels so right.

Long Beach (New York)

2011-07-17T23:00:00.004-04:00

The only time I'd been there was about three years ago when the boys and I tried to see how fast we could get to a beach and back--we rushed off the train, touched the ocean with our toes, then back to the train.

Today we needed a beach that was nice, close, and reachable without a $200 weekend-rate rental car.

Coney Island is closer, but littered with glass. Jones Beach is less urban, but takes two hours to reach.

We played in the waves, had cheeseburgers and corn dogs on the boardwalk, and built the biggest sand castle on the beach. 90 minutes door-to-door. No glass.

Four thumbs up.

Ethanism

2011-07-16T11:31:00.002-04:00

"I don't get why people have trash cans when they could just have giant vats of lava."

Red Belt

2011-07-15T01:10:00.003-04:00

My sweet littlest boy is asleep in our bed. He's been going to Tae Kwon Do camp every day this week, and he's exhausted. He wandered into the bedroom when I was on the computer and just fell asleep next to me.

This morning when I walked him to camp we walked hand in hand. This will be the last year for that, I'm sure, and I savor those moments. He's the greatest little boy. I worry about him in this world of crazy, homicidal psychopaths. I can't protect him forever. But right now he's asleep in our bed, and I'm going to let him stay there all night. Tomorrow he can go back to being a Red Belt.

Summer bucket list

2011-07-10T19:11:00.006-04:00

Here are 7 things I want to do before summer ends:

1. Visit five waterparks. We've been to two (Camelbeach and Mountain Creek). Sigh. So many to enjoy, so little time.

2. Universal Studios Orlando. Planned for August! Samuel's original dream was Universal Studios Japan, which has the last remaining "Back to the Future" ride. That's on hold pending lottery win.

3. River tubing. Penciled in for August.

4. Camping. Ethan's idea, although I reminded him that there are bugs in the wilderness. He then suggested camping somewhere on the Upper West Side. Requires further discussion.

5. Go down a natural waterslide. My idea. This just sounds cool, doesn't it?

6. Go to a drive-in movie. My idea again. Hey, if not now, when??

7. See the in-laws in Illinois. Jen's idea. Keeping Jen happy makes the rest of this list possible.

This list doesn't include important basics like staying employed.