Trip to Grandma's, Part 3

Ethan: (Setting up figures on the airplane tray table) I have one attack, one weapon, and one shield.

Todd: Who wins between these guys?

Ethan: Well, this guy is a good guy and your guy is a bad guy.

Todd: So which one wins?

Ethan: Well, usually the good guy. But usually the bad guy almost wins. But then the good guy usually wins. There's a potion that the bad guy puts on that makes you invincible for 24 hours.

Todd: Does it work?

Ethan: It works for 24 hours.

(We battle. Ethan hums action music.)

Todd: Did I almost win?

Ethan: Well, you're winning so far. And I only have one life left in the whole game. And usually you lose just by me attacking you once. But since you're invincible I'm about to lose. But since it's getting dark out the day is over. (He hums action music and battles.) Now you lose.

Todd: So you got me?

Ethan: Mmmhmm. But you almost got me that time. Because you put that potion on.

Trip to Grandma's, Part 2

On the flight to Illinois, I sit with Samuel, and Jennifer sits with Ethan. Samuel and I can hear Ethan's panicked shrieks a few rows back during takeoff. About 10 minutes later, Jennifer comes up and asks me to trade seats with her. I go back with Ethan.

Todd: How ya doing?

Ethan: Taking off is the scariest thing ever. It's like the spaceship ride at Mars 2112. And also when the plane moves all around, like sideways and sometimes upside down.

Todd: I don't think the plane really goes upside down.

Ethan: Yeah, it does. That's when they turn the seatbelt sign on.

Todd: Hmmm.

Ethan: Dad, can we take a car back?

Todd: Back to New York? No.

Ethan: Please? I really don't want to take a plane. When are we there?

Todd: One more hour.

Ethan: A whole hour?? (Pulling the phone out of the seatback) Dad, look--we have a phone. (Pulling my tray down) Dad, put your thing down. (Pulling his carry-on bag from under the seat) Dad, where are my Imaginext figures? Dad, wanna have a battle? (Getting up) Dad, I have to go to the bathroom.

Trip to Grandma's, part 1

Todd: We're going on a trip to Prophetstown, Illinois. Do you know anybody who lives in Prophetstown, Illinois?

Ethan: I don't know anybody who lives in Prophetstown, Illinois.

Todd: I'll give you a hint. Mom grew up there.

Ethan: Hmmm.

Todd: But then she married me. That's why her life is filled with fun and adventure from morning to night.

Ethan: Mom's life isn't filled with fun and adventure. She's always cleaning. Hey, maybe sometime you and I and Samuel can clean instead of Mom.

Todd: I don't like that idea so much.

The Four Bears, by Todd & Samuel Tarpley

Once upon a time there were four bears. Smart Bear, Stupid Bear, Stinky Bear, and Completely Bear.

"Let's go for a walk and let our porridge cool," said Smart Bear. "So we don't burn our esophagi."

"Let's leave the door unlocked in case some girl wants to break into our house," said Stupid Bear.

"Can we stop by the store and pick up some underarm deodorant?" said Stinky Bear.

"Look at me!" said Completely Bear. "I'm naked!"

Moments after the bears left, a strange girl knocked on their door. Why would a girl alone in the woods knock on the door of a bear's house? I don't know. But she did.

No one was home. So she went inside.

"Mmmm, soup," she said. "Or maybe it's porridge, I can never tell the difference."

She took a big bite from the first bowl and said, "Too crunchy." So she decided to eat the porridge instead of the bowl.

"Yeeeeaaaaaoooowwww!" she screamed.

When the bears returned, they found her passed out on the floor, steam coming from her esophagus and ears.

"Hmmm," said Smart Bear. "I think it's possible that the porridge was too hot."

"By the way, did somebody say something about four beers?" said Stupid Bear. "I'm thirsty."

The End

Name 1 good thing that happened today

Samuel: The middle-school students put on a puppet show that was like a musical.

Ethan: I had a play date with Aaron.

Jennifer: I enjoyed walking Kahlua to the pet store to buy a pig ear.

Todd: When I came out of the subway station at 6:15pm, it was still light outside and I said, "Whoa."

Ethan's Earliest Memory

Ethan says he remembers his past life. He says he was an old goat. He lived in a mansion. He had a butler, and lots of money. He died right after he told his butler, "I have soooo much money."

5 great things to be thankful for this weekend

1. Ethan's 7th birthday party was a success. Too cold to turn them loose at the playground, so we had an apartment full of gun-toting, sword-weilding, karate-chopping 7-year-old boys. Pizza, donuts, screaming, fart jokes, new toys.

2. Kahlua got a new haircut at the dog groomer's. She is now the prettiest dog in NYC.

3. Taxes not quite done. But close. No marital bloodshed thus far.

4. Nutra-Sweet. I stuck a Fresca in the back of the fridge, next to the cooling vent. Remember how gross Frescas used to taste, back in the 80s, when only your grandma drank them? Whoever invented Nutra-Sweet should get some sort of humanitarian prize for making the world a better place.

5. Iowa Hawkeyes are Big-10 wrestling champs.