Instructions for Bumper Ball, by Ethan Tarpley

Both players have 3 lives.

Player 1 throws the ball up. If he catches it, then he loses. If Player 1 does not catch it, then he loses. Player 1 loses no matter what.

If Player 2 throws it up and does not catch it, he loses. If Player 2 does catch it, then he loses. Player 2 loses no matter what.

If one of the players throws the ball up and the other player catches it, then the other player wins a point. And the player who threw it up loses a point.

Both players can use special attacks. When Player 1 and Player 2 use their special attacks, the other player loses a point. When both of them use their second special attack, none of them loses, but one of them gets disqualified. Actually, that's the same as losing.

If someone punches the ball instead of catching it, the other player gets an extra life.

Both players only have 2 attacks. If someone loses all of their weapons or lives, then they lose.

The player who has the most lives or special attacks wins.

After one person loses, they have a sword fight. If one of the players stabs the other player in the stomach 6 times, the player who got stabbed loses.

Trip to Grandma's, The Final Chapter

We're back in NY.

Jennifer's favorite memories of our trip to Prophetstown:
1. Singing in the choir
2. Shopping at Wal-Mart with her mom and sister
3. Looking at family photos
4. Visiting with her dad

Samuel's favorite memories:
1. Getting to see everyone
2. Meeting Maggie, the beagle next door
3. Swimming at the town rec center's indoor pool

Ethan's favorite memories:
1. Swimming at the rec center
2. Maggie the beagle
3. Everything..."I loved every single thing."

Trip to Grandma's, Part 7

Church on Easter morning. First Congregational Church of Prophetstown.

The pews are half-filled, mostly with old people, but they're all happy to be here, and welcoming to us. Jennifer is a guest member of the choir today, next to her sister, Julie, who is a regular member. If I weren't married to Jennifer I'd think, "Who is that hot woman in the choir?"

Samuel and I sit in a pew next to Grandma. Ethan refused to let me comb his hair, so we left him at home with Grandpa, who has a cold (so he says). If Ethan were here he would think the phrase "pew next to Grandma" was hilarious.

The minister asks us to hold hands with the person next to us. An older lady grabs my hand before I can avoid it, and for an instant I'm 6 years old again, holding my Grandma Tarpley's hand as she sings from the Methodist Hymnal. Samuel holds my other hand, and he is the sweetest boy in the universe.

Hawkeyes Rule

Iowa takes the NCAA wrestling title. All is right with the world.

We (okay, I) watched the finals on ESPN from my in-laws' living room floor.

Some people say wrestling is pointless--you bang up your body, you can't make money doing it, and you can't enjoy it when you're old, like golf. But, you know, your body's gonna get old anyway, you shouldn't waste your 20s wearing a suit and tie, and golf isn't even a sport.

Trip to Grandma's, Part 6

Prophetstown is Whoville. A tiny place full of nice people.

If you ask what Prophetstown is near, the answer is "Sterling." If you ask what Sterling is near, the answer is "Wal-Mart."

I like visiting, but I couldn't live here. Well, I could, but it would take a lot of kids and dogs and at least one old Jaguar XKE to blunt the day-to-day.

Trip to Grandma's, Part 5

We survived the plane ride. Spent an hour at the O'Hare Budget Rent-a-Car in a snowstorm while Jennifer rejected various cars ("smells like smoke," "too small"). Finally got on the road to Prophetstown, but stopped 10 minutes later at the "oasis" McDonald's. Another "oasis" in DeKalb. Finally pulled into Prophetstown at 4:15, full of chicken nuggets.

Prophetstown:
4-block Main Street. Illinois sweatshirts. John Deere caps. Friendly.

Jen's parents:
Retired. Republican. Church. Buick. Friendly. Tolerant of New Yorkers if they are relatives.

Trip to Grandma's, Part 4

Still on the plane. It's a long flight.

Ethan: Dad, look out the window.

Todd: I think we're in a cloud.

Ethan: I think we probably are. I think we're in Heaven. The plane probably crashed. Dad, where does everyone's body go when they die?

Todd: They get buried.

Ethan: What happens when so many people die that all the ground fills up and there's no more room to bury people?

Todd: Good question. I've wondered about that myself.

Ethan: Dad, when are we there?

Todd: 25 minutes.

Ethan: 25 minutes?? Oh, it's so long! Dad, did you know that this day has lasted like two years?

Todd: In real life? Or it just seems that way?

Ethan: In real life.

Todd: How could a day last two years?

Ethan: I don't know. I guess God made a mistake.

Todd: Maybe we've been flying so long that we're orbiting the earth at the speed of light, and when we land, everyone will be two years older.

Ethan: Yeah, that's kind of what's happening. Dad, your whiskers are getting long. Do you think Mom will ever get whiskers?

Todd: I hope not.

Ethan: How much longer?

Todd: 20 minutes.

Ethan: Oh, my God! Only five minutes have passed??