How to be a real man if you can't afford a Hummer

1. Buy a car--er, 4WD vehicle--that looks kinda like a Hummer. Like a 4-door Jeep with serrated metal running boards over the wheel wells. As if you're going to be riding on the outside of the car a lot while hunting big game on the Upper West Side.

2. Buy an American eagle-motif tire cover. I almost walked on the opposite side of the block I was so intimidated by that damn eagle's stare. It looks like he's saying "Don't even think about trying to cross our border and mooch our health care benefits."

3. Get an "Army Strong" bumper sticker. In case the American eagle-motif tire cover wasn't clear enough.

4. Spring for tinted windows. In case you want to drive your SWAT team buddies to work, or conduct surveillance on terrorists without looking conspicuous. Plus it impresses the hell out of that chick at the Wendy's drive-thru when you roll down the dark window to reveal--YOU with aviator sunglasses.

5. Top it off with a small New York Islanders sticker in the right rear window. Hockey, get it? Yankees = wimpy sport.

Unfortunately if the owner of this particular vehicle discovers this blog post he's going to seek me out and totally kick my butt. If more than two weeks go by with no blog post from me...