Friday, July 31, 2009

Annoying Creative People

What's up with this stupid SyFy name change? In case you care, Sci Fi Channel is now SyFy.

I'm very annoyed by it, and I'm not sure why. If I dig deeply into my subconscious I would venture to guess that it's because:

1. It's stupid.
2. The person who thought of it is probably being hailed within the halls of NBCU as a creative genius.
3. Nobody has hailed me as a creative genius in, I don't know, weeks.
4. What the heck does SyFy mean? It's just stupid.

So just to prove that I, too, can be a creative genius when I apply a few seconds of thought to any issue, here are some other TV network name change ideas:

1. A&E becomes simply, "A." It brands the network as high quality--"A" is the highest grade you can get. Except for maybe A+. Or, in the case of eggs, AAA. But whatever.

2. Bravo becomes "Bra." It sounds vaguely sexual, which is always good. It's also one of those surfer dude phrases, as in, "Surf's up, bra." So it has cross-demographic appeal.

3. Discovery Channel becomes "'scuv." It's young and edgy, even kind of hip-hop.

4. Oxygen becomes "Gyn." Enough said. Thank you.

5. USA becomes "y." Why? Well, there's an answer right there. Y means just about anything you want it to mean, including the question "Why?" It's existential. The new tagline would be, "Because." Given NBCU's obvious predisposition toward the letter Y, this is a shoo-in.

And if you're keeping track at home, this entire re-branding exercise took me a total of...1 minute and 45 seconds...and that's only because I type slow. Please contact me with all creative genius employment opportunities. This is just the tip of my mental iceberg, my friends.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

An Officer and a Gentleman

Okay, it's coming. The next motion picture starring Ethan Tarpley.

This one is a remake of the trailer from "An Officer and a Gentleman." We shot scenes on Governor's Island today. It was hot and humid, and the cast (Ethan) was goofing off, so we didn't get as much good footage as I'd hoped, but it'll do.

We have two more locations to shoot; we may have access to a paper mill for the finale, courtesy of a school parent. (You know, where Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out the door.) Whether Ethan will be able to lift anyone more than an inch off the ground is yet to be seen, but we're casting the female lead with that in mind.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wedding Weekend

We went to New Jersey this weekend for my cousin Sara's wedding. Sara is one of those people who makes you smile just by thinking about her.

Ethan kept things lively by losing his footing on the hotel treadmill and creating a hole in the wall with his head. Here is a video of him about 15 seconds before the incident. This is why kids are not supposed to be on treadmills. Where were his parents??

The day of the wedding we went to Point Pleasant Beach with my brother Brad and his family from Colorado, whom we see too seldom. Samuel and Ethan got to ride a few over-priced rides on the boardwalk.

After the wedding we went to Aunt Donna and Uncle Larry's house for an afternoon of pizza, cards, freeze tag, and egg toss.

On Monday we went tubing down the Delaware with Brad's family.

Good weekend. Back to NYC, tired boys in the bathtub, and 2 dogs who were happy to have us home again.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Secret Confession

I always liked "You Light Up My Life" and I still think Debby Boone is hot.

Don't tell anyone; it will ruin my ultra-cool persona.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Best. Vacation. Ever.

Where to begin?

I just returned from the best vacation ever, and it even included in-laws.

Fourth of July in rural Illinois, followed by 4 days and 3 nights at the Wilderness Resort in Wisconsin Dells, the waterpark capital of the world, and the greatest resort in the history of the hospitality industry.

But let's back up.

Jen packed enough clothes for the boys to last for the rest of the summer, plus a 250-pound "book bag" to keep them occupied on the plane and in the car. We lugged it all on a 2-legged flight from LaGuardia to Moline, Illinois via Minneapolis, then via rental car to Prophetstown, Illinois, home of Jen's parents and about 1,500 other people who voted for McCain, drive American-made vehicles, and eat beef.

Jen's mom had conveniently purchased several thousand dollars worth of groceries in anticipation of our arrival: Doritos, Cheetos, chips, Hershey bars, Dove bars, Diet Coke. And, just in case we got hungry, she made chocolate chip cookies and something called Scotcharoos, which are Rice Krispie treats with butterscotch flavoring and chocolate frosting. We consumed all of it. Then we grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and ate baked beans and scalloped potatoes and jello, rested for a few minutes, then ate some more.

We watched fireworks, and Samuel and Ethan lit some sparklers and snakes. Then we ate.

On Day 2 we got ready for the excursion to Wisconsin. Jen's mom was excited to learn that our hotel suite included a full kitchen, which was her cue to buy another $1,000 worth of groceries, because everyone knows there is no food in the state of Wisconsin.

Our resort in Wisconsin Dells had 3 outdoor waterparks, 3 indoor waterparks, and 1 indoor/outdoor waterpark. I was like a kid at a--well, at a waterpark. We went on the body slides. We went on the tube slides. We went on the raft slides. We went on the lazy rivers. We sat in about 24 hot tubs. We stood under 46 tipping buckets. We swam in an infinity-edge pool. We played in 17 kiddie pools, where I saw 34 toddlers that I wanted to adopt.

In between waterparks, we ate. In addition to the 1,000 pounds of groceries we brought, we ate at a Cracker Barrel, Cold Stone Creamery, IHOP, a Mexican restaurant, a fudge shop, and about 63 other places that I can't remember right now.

Then at the end of the trip we argued about who would take all the leftover food back home.

"You take the Pop Tarts."

"No, you take the Pop Tarts. Your father won't eat Pop Tarts."

"I don't want the candy."

"Put it in your bag, Jen."

"We're not gonna eat all that candy."

"Todd will eat some of it. Put it in your bag."

Then back in the car, back to the Moline airport, back to LaGuardia, back to our apartment and our dogs and our regular lives, happy, grateful for family, and a few pounds heavier.