1. Old people can now safely drive 56 mph in a 55-mph zone without fear of the universe being violently ripped apart.
2. CERN announces it will fund the next twenty years of Hadron SuperCollider operations by launching a line of Higgs Boson glue products with the tagline, "It holds the universe together." Elmer's stock plummets.
3. A high school science teacher in Fort Wayne, Indiana high-fives with students and colleagues in the hallways for seven straight days until someone asks him to explain what the Higgs Boson actually is.
4. A Poughkeepsie man named Boson Higgs enjoys a free extra Bingo card at the local Elks Club's Tuesday night Bingo game. He protests, "Now, don't go makin' a fuss over me over this hooey."
5. In a rare moment of consensus, scientists and theologians agree that "Higgs Boson" sounds like a character from "The Andy Griffith Show."
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