WASHINGTON, Nov. 14 —The nation’s Roman Catholic bishops voted overwhelmingly today to support initiatives based on traditional teachings that call for gay and lesbian Catholics to remain celibate and for married Catholics to reject artificial contraception. The guidelines welcome gay people, but with the caveats that they not be allowed to adopt children, vote, or speak unless spoken to. Also, that they burn in hell after they die.
In related news, fourteen Catholic bishops were arrested for molesting choirboys following a church conference. Church officials were unavailable for comment, as they were busy downloading child porn from the Internet.
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