I am so skinny and fast

So I finally acknowledged that my suit pants were never going to fit again unless I had the tailor let out a couple of inches from the rear end.

I did that, and they suddenly fit so well that I've worn them to work all three days so far this week. Not only do I look like a high-paid CFO, but I suddenly feel skinny because, you know, these pants used to be really tight.

I was feeling so good that when I got home from work today I decided I was going to run a 6-minute mile. I haven't run a 6-minute mile in at least a year, because I'm too old to run fast, and when I try I pull muscles everywhere in my body.

But I'm looking great, so...

I took off like a bat out of hell and hit the quarter-mile mark in 1:27. I was thinking, don't worry about starting too fast, because the trick is to build a little cushion in case I tire in the final hundred yards or so.

I hit the half-mile split in 2:57. I was thinking, sure, I'm getting kind of winded, but I just have to keep up this pace for three more minutes. I'm right on pace, and I was smart to build in that extra 3-second cushion in the first quarter, because I might need it.

I don't know the three-quarter-mile split, as my heart was exploding out of my rib cage and I couldn't see the numbers on my watch, but when I crossed the mile mark I was thinking, damn, running a 5:59 isn't as easy as it used to be.

Then I looked at my watch.

6:10.

I don't think it's humanly possible for me to go 10 seconds faster. I think the jig is up.