Higgs boson...blah, blah, blah

Science has become so complicated lately that even major discoveries can only be understood by six people. And those six people refuse to explain it to the rest of us, because they're still pissed about the time in high school when we drove past them in a convertible BMW with Jami Gertz and Phoebe Cates on top of the back seats, laughing and taunting them.

They claim we even threw a Taco Bell bag at them, but...you know, whatever. That was a long time ago.

Anyway, that's why they're so uppity about this latest discovery: some particle that holds together the universe or something. I'm not suggesting they're just making the whole thing up, but...they know we can't prove otherwise, you know what I'm saying?

I've got a friend in the contracting business who swears he could've built the Hadron Super Collider for $75K. He says it's essentially a giant, underground Hot Wheels track. But these guys say, "Oh, no, it's a gazillion dollars, and unless you built it for us we won't tell you the secrets of the universe." Then the six of them sit around down there in their boxer shorts watching "The Big Bang Theory" and eating Ho-Hos.

"Oh, let's say that in addition to quarks, we've also discovered leptons and gluons, and, and--"

"--and just random bunches of Italicized Greek letters!"

"With even more Italicized Greek letters in sub-script! Ha-ha!"

"And something that holds the whole thing together. We'll call it, like, a Rat's Ass!"

"No--a Pig's Bosom!"

"I've got it--a Higgs Boson!"

"That'll teach them to throw Taco Bell bags at us!"

"Take that, Jami Gertz!"

"Hey, who's got the remote? I want to watch that scene again in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates takes off her bikini top!"

Losers.