Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Retirement Plan

Okay, stay with me.

First, I charter a helicopter tour of the Hamptons, and get Christie on board. Then, when it "mysteriously" crashes off the coast of East Quogue, Chrsitie and I become soulmates, bound by our desire to live life to the fullest.

Disguised as a narcissistic architect/real estate developer/musician with a sex/debt/drinking problem, I woo her into a quick marriage. The wedding takes place at the top of a waterpark slide at midnight, with candles placed around the entire park. Our kids drop flower petals on us as we tube to the bottom in lip-locked embrace.

Then, two years into the marriage--BAM. She discovers that I've secretly adopted over a dozen blonde-haired toddlers, whom I've been hiding in the guest wing of our Hamptons home. She is tipped off when she discovers 9 Ralph Lauren sailboat-print dresses in the online shopping cart of my laptop.

Furious, she files for divorce. I walk away with $2 million, and I probably get to keep most of the kids too.

Jennifer and Samuel and Ethan, meanwhile, have been waiting patiently for me. We have a big dinner at EJ's, then pay off all our debts and retire to a mobile home park in Arkansas.

High-five. Woo!

1 comment:

  1. What?! This is quite surprising, Todd. Well, your kids are your greatest investment, anyway. You have good and lovely kids right there. Make sure to invest in them a lot before you retire. Good luck!