Friday, August 26, 2011

"It's Never Polite to Fart on Your Dad"

I figured this manuscript would either be a runaway best seller or never see the light of day. Judging by the fact that my agent didn't even reply to my email, I'm guessing it falls into the latter category.

It’s not a big deal
To throw sand at your brother
Frown at your sister
Spit up on your mother

It’s perfectly fine
To be naughty and bad
But it’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

It’s okay to get angry
And pull the dog’s tail
Trust me, you’ll never get
Hauled off to jail

But don’t toot your tushy
I’m warning you, lad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

The noses of daddies
Are sensitive things
They can’t stand the scent
Of a bottom, it seems

They’re never around
When a diaper needs changing
They’re suddenly shaving
Or sock rearranging

So don’t eke one out
It’ll just make him mad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

It’s the smell of a grill
That a dad’s nose prefers
He’ll run from the room
When a blowout occurs

The thought of a stinkbomb
Will fill him with gloom
He’ll hide under covers
When smells fill the room

It’s perfectly fine
To be bossy and rude
Gross and obnoxious
Or saucy and crude

It’s okay to throw tantrums
When you’re really mad
But it’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

When you are a father
And have a small child
You may think it’s funny
When Junior runs wild

You may think it’s cute
When he wakes from his nap
And toddles right over
To sit on your lap

But if you hear sounds
Like a loud thunder clap
Hold your nose now
You’ve been caught in a trap

So take my advice
From one kid to another
If you must toot
Do it close to your mother

She won’t mind at all
She’ll just lift you and sniff you
And if she sees nothing
Well, it’s a non-issue

But on your own father?
That’s badder than bad!
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

Please don’t sneak a stinky
Not even a tad
It’s never polite
To fart on your dad!

(Hey!...don’t even think about it.)


  1. I love it and would totally buy it! (Please make sure the main character is a boy as this would be much less funny to a pretty little girl!)